HOW TO TALK TO YOUR PARTNERABOUT YOUR LOW SEX DRIVE
It’s completely natural for there to be ebbs and flows in your sex drive – sometimes you can’t get enough of your partner, whereas other times the only thing you’ll want to do in bed is sleep! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having times when you’re less interested in sex.
There’s no such thing as a ‘normal’ sex drive – everyone is different. You know yourself well enough to know what’s normal for you, but if the lack of sex in your relationship is starting to bother you, it could be time to talk to your partner.
GET TO THE ROOT OF IT
Before you check in with your other half, check in and reconnect with yourself first. What do you think might be behind your sudden drop in libido? Stress is a really common cause – whether you’re worrying about deadlines at work or facing financial struggles, sex can be the last thing on your mind if you’re stressed out.
Tiredness can also be behind a low sex drive, as can anxiety, certain types of medication, the menopause… the list goes on!
Equally, you might not be able to pinpoint a cause, which is also totally okay.
If you think you’ve figured out what’s holding back your sex life, it means you can talk about it with your partner and find a way to work through it. Which brings us to…
START THE CONVERSATION
In theory, it should be really easy to bring up your low sex drive with your partner without it being awkward – you’ve seen each other naked, after all – but we know it doesn’t always work that way. In fact, according to a survey by KY Jelly, 52% of us don't talk about sex with our partners at all.
Pick a time to talk when it’s just the two of you, when you’re feeling relaxed – you could even bring it up when you’re in bed! If you’re feeling uncomfortable or anxious about talking about it, tell them. It’s important to be honest with your partner.
Keeping secrets can make you feel alone, so don’t hold back when you’re talking to your significant other. If you’re worried that they’ll blame themselves for your lack of sex drive, make it loud and clear that it’s nothing to do with a lack of attraction.
But, if you are having relationship issues that you think might be causing your low libido, be honest about that too. Try to stick to ‘I’ statements, such as ‘I have felt disconnected from you recently’ to talk about how you feel, rather than ‘you’, because this could make your partner feel defensive.
WORK IT OUT
Whether it’s looking for a new job that causes less stress, getting more early nights or being more physically affectionate with your partner, talk about what might help you get your sex life back on track – and suggest how they can support you through it. After all, you’re a team!
Maybe you are feeling a bit distant and want to have more romantic date nights? Start planning a few nights a month where the two of you do something special. Maybe sex has been feeling a little uncomfortable lately so you’ve been struggling to get in the mood? Try introducing a lubricant to make things more comfortable and pleasurable for you both.
There may be no magic button you can push to get you suddenly in the mood, but there are a few tricks you and your partner can try to see if they get you going…
- Switch up your surroundings – A messy bedroom isn’t particularly conducive for getting hot under the collar, so take a tip from every cheesy romantic film and light a few candles, dim the lights and put on your sexiest playlist (we know you have one).
- Turn it into a game – Sex is fun. Games are fun. A sexy game? You do the maths! You can keep it simple or be as inventive as you want. One easy idea is a ‘fantasy jar’ where you both write your dream sex acts on slips of paper, put them in a jar, pick one out at random and make your dream a reality! Sleepover classics like Truth or Dare can easily be given a grown-up twist, so find what works for you both.
- Listen closely – If you’ve tried fantasising about past encounters to get you going but find your mind wanders, why not try audio aids such as erotic audiobooks or even ASMR? You could listen to them alone or with your partner to set the mood.
- Try sexting – You might think sexting is reserved for long-distance couples or dating app users, but a flirty message can really keep things fresh in a relationship. You don’t need to dive straight into x-rated talk if it’s something you don’t feel comfortable with, but a simple “I keep thinking about that time we…” when you’re away from your partner could really spark something.
Although it may be tricky to talk about, a drop in libido is something that could happen to anyone from time to time. If you reached out to your friends, the chances are they’ve been through it, too, and might have some useful advice on how they handled it.
Boosting your sex drive won’t happen overnight, it’s a process, so don’t put pressure on yourself – it’ll happen.
For more help and advice on all things sex, intimacy and love, head to our Sex Talk blog.